"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship" Louisa May Alcott
There are moments that we go through in life that perhaps seem as though they might be the lowest points we will ever face. In every tough situation I believe allowing words to flow gives us the ability to stay true to our feelings,as well as providing an opportunity to document these waves that carry us in rough waters.
Last winter I was honored to appear in the premier issue of Art Journaling by Stampington. While I was beyond thrilled to share my wee journals with the readers I felt unable to speak about the contents of my catalog of words, emotions and feelings until now.
What I was unable to share at the time was the immense emotion and at times turbulence that fills the pages of this journal. This journal was kept during my service as a juror on a murder trial. While I was unable to write about my experience until the closure I did find great solstice in creating my pages, including images and words that would later allow me to pull those feelings forward once again.
I share with you now a bit more of my journal. It is time for me know to offer closure to this experience that occurred in my life 15 months ago.
"His Mother, I watched and wondered how she must feel to know she will never again hold him in her arms, cook him a meal, wash his clothing, feel him near. My heart breaks, her nest will never be the same."
While I felt broken hearted watching as family members from both sides of the courtroom sobbed daily I could not help but ponder the feelings the defendant's Mother was experiencing.
"Stoically not a tear fell. Me feeling broken and afraid. Full of sadness, jumpy, jittery looking over my shoulder. I feel a bit lost in the process of condemning even where it is deserved and earned by one who made this choice."
There really are no words for this journal entry my heart truly needed mending at this point in the process, I felt the verdict in my soul and knew I would forever me changed by this process.
"I need beauty to enter my days, to erase this sadness created by my experience as a jury foreman, executor of statements. 1st degree needs a beauty mark."
I was so in need of beauty I was looking for it at every corner while literally looking over my shoulder at every turn. I was fearful, and sad. I was mad and I was full of bitterness regarding the process.
"Hope is trying to get in. I am trying to lock away the experience until I can truly face it again and understand."
Locking away my feelings I spoke of this for the last time in July of 208 choosing to move forward in life while waiting for a time to come where I could let the rest of it all go. This is that time.
" DREAM BIG. Dreams are the most precious gifts especially when they greet us in the light of day."
For reading my words thank you. I hope you too will journal your journey no matter what it might be.